you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
