I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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