Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
