Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
