John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
