Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
