Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
