How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
