I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i think i have two assholes
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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