the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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