I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
