she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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