I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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