I could make wine with my vomit
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
