I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
