Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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