I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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