its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
