So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
