My liver just broke up with me...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
