I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
