dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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