every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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