I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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