So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
