You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
