how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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