You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Randomize
