i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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