I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
