i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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