Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
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when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
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I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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