i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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