There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
