we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
