my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.