Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
