we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
