so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
