i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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