i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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