Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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