Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
