At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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