i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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