Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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