im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
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So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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