new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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