i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
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