i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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