I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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