Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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