booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize