Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
so much tequila, so little girl.
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