This gyro tastes like lonliness
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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