I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
