I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
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It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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